By Robyn L. Coburn
Posted to unschoolingbasics@yahoogroups.com
<<<<<<How does a person who has no
rules to follow as a child cope to life as an adult in a world filled with
rules? >>>>>
Others have already talked about the idea that a
world without rules does not mean chaos, but instead can be a world of
Principles. I want to muse on the possibly startling notion that the regular
adult world is actually far less filled with rules than the world of any
ordinarily parented child.
Rules are a two edged oxymoronic coin - on one side
the expectation of automatic compliance, on the other side the punishment for
breakage. Rules for children are often not designed to be useful in themselves but
function as molds, designed to teach some idea, especially the idea that rules
must be followed. (See any of the Ezzo's writings re
young children unless you don't want to be nauseated.)
The few rules in a child's life that might be useful,
such as "don't turn on the stove when Mommy is out", are so simply
and easily converted into Principles that can allow for empowered exploration
and make real sense to a freely living child, that they only reiterate how
ineffective arbitrary rule making (or expressing rules in a manner that makes
them seem arbitrary) is in itself.
Most children live in worlds that are filled with
picayune rules that they have no authentic say in developing, designed to
control their behavior from the outside, that the adults in their lives are not
subjected to, or in the event that the adults are supposed to comply but don't,
have different consequences for the adults than the children.
Think of a rule like "No snacks before
dinner". Suppose the cook in the kitchen feels peckish
- realistically is that person not going to grab a taste of the meal, or a
quick cracker? If another adult comes in and reaches for a cookie are they
going to be told they may not have it because dinner is nearly ready? Perhaps
the *information* that dinner is coming soon would be offered, but what might
be the response? "This is just to hold me until then" or the *free
choice* to put the cookie back. Of course I'm assuming a healthy level of
equality between the adults here, rather than some kind of weird power playing
relationship. However what is a kid told? "No, you have to wait for
dinner".....I remember that; do most of you?
Note also how vague that statement "No snacks
before dinner" is. How long is "before"? What actually
constitutes a "snack" vs say "a
bite"?
Rules within the home tend to be entirely for the
children to "follow", whereas Principles apply to everyone in the
family, and to other people with whom we all interact. Principles are ideas
like Kindness, Safety, Respect, Honesty.
Children who live surrounded by rules end up becoming
adept at getting around rules, finding the loopholes in rules, disguising
non-compliance or deflecting blame for non-compliance (ie:
lying about what they did). These are the skills that they then bring into adult
life. They can hardly wait to grow up into legal adulthood to be free of the
chafing and senseless rules that they have been subjected to just because some
parents see their parenting as validated only by compliant youngsters.
I look around at the adult world and I don't see a
world full of arbitrary rules designed to teach how to follow rules. Certainly
I see a world of Laws and customs, in a civil society like Western democracies.
Many of these laws are based on safety, like speed
limits and stopping at stop signs. These things make sense - at least to any
thinking person. However they are sometimes broken.
Many laws are based on concepts of ancient morality -
no stealing, no killing, no trespassing - hopefully
allowing people to feel reasonably safe in their homes and workplaces. It just
never occurs to most of us to break these laws. However they are sometimes
broken.
Many laws are based on keeping the common areas of
life functioning, such as paying for the roads, paying the salaries of government
employees and paying for the upkeep of the military. I'm talking about tax
laws. However these are also sometimes broken.
There are "rules" for pleasant conduct,
many of which are unspoken. Long term Unschoolers have
found that a child's learning of these behaviors of mannerly folk is best done
by observing the modeling of the parents, and receiving mannerly treatment
which they then reflect.
There are customs that make living or working in a
crowded place easier also. There are customs like raising your hand for
attention in a moderated meeting that would probably take a young adult about 4
seconds of observation to learn once they were in that situation without having
to spend 12 years at school to do so. These customary behaviors with strangers
and in public places may not be anything we would expect our children or
ourselves to have to do in our own homes, amongst our own family and close
friends.
One of the things Alfie
Kohn talks about is how adults who find themselves in rigid workplaces feel
resentful at being treated "like children" with too many rules, and
with reward based incentive systems that work less well than promoting self
generated motivation and understanding of why procedures are in place.
What happens when a child breaks a rule, including
one that seems dumb, unfair, arbitrary or arbitrarily applied, or overly
confining? In a household where there are rules, chances are there are also
punishments - the deliberate causing of physical or emotional pain to the
miscreant.
What happens in the adult world when someone breaks a
Law? Either nothing because they were not caught, or they get a citation or get
arrested and have a fairly lengthy due process to go through.
With the exception of people deliberately engaging in
civil disobedience for a cause, one of the things about people who commit
crimes is that they usually do not expect to get caught. The external threat of
punishment does not have much bearing on their choice to commit the crime. This
has been a big part of Amnesty International's various campaigns against the
death penalty. Their research into all kinds of criminal behavior has found
this concept repeatedly.
Even with the continual broadcasting of police chases
in
What about if an adult breaks some rule of polite
behavior, for example they cut into the front of the line - possibly general
verbalized outrage, possibly serious fisticuffs (depending on the line I
guess), possibly just some grumping on the part of the displaced, possibly
action by a security authority.
The mere existence of Laws and customs and rules does
not mean that they won't be broken or ignored or even fought against, by people
who have supposedly been trained to follow rules all their lives.
Most of the time the rules of the adult world make
some kind of sense and they engage the reasoned co-operation of most of us.
We all have the choice to keep the laws or not. Most
of us are moral people. For most of us we keep the laws because we agree that
to do otherwise would mean doing wrong by our fellow creatures, or be risky and unwise. In some cases we agree or put up with
inconvenient laws because as parents we do not wish to risk incarceration away
from our babies, or do not have the time while our kids are young and need our
attention to devote to the process of legislative change. In some cases we may
even choose to flout laws we consider unjust or dopey, while we wait for
society to catch up to our position.
Which brings us to the final huge difference between
the Rule of Law, and the adult imposed rules of a household over child's life.
Adults in a democracy through the process of voting and petitioning have the
ability and right, even if not taken up, to change and influence the laws we
agree to follow. It may not be a perfect process, and there are certainly other
factors and influences in the political world. But the right and possibilities
are still there. (Not for me actually, I'm not a citizen).
However, the unequal power relationship in a family
where the adults have the final say or veto power, and have the power of the
law to enforce the rules they choose, whether the kids agree or not, means that
the children are disenfranchised as long as they are minors.
Those of us Unschooling
Radically, living a life of Principles instead of rules, are
adults voluntarily discarding the adversarial power relationship that society
would say we are entitled to impose on our children. The results are empowered
children TODAY in their real life childhoods, *and*, as the reported experience
of Unschooled grown children shows, thoughtful, politically engaged, civil,
mannerly, principled adults navigating an adult culture not significantly
different from the real world they have always inhabited.