Conclusion of The Unprocessed Child:
Living Without School
By Valerie Fitzenreiter
A baby isn’t born knowing
what society expects of him. He starts learning from the moment he takes his first
breath. With that first cry he has established himself as part of this
universe. The cry does not have to be forced from him with a slap on his
bottom. It happens naturally. If he is allowed to grow and learn naturally from
then on, he will reach far past what his parents could possibly imagine.
A child does not have to be
motivated to learn; in fact, learning cannot be stopped. A child will focus on
the world around him and long to understand it. He will want to know why things
are the way that they are. He won’t have to be told to be curious; he will just
be curious. He has no desire to be ignorant; rather he wants to know
everything. But he wants to discover his interests on his own. He doesn’t want
to be pushed into learning what others think he should know. He wants to sample
all that is in front of him and find his own destiny. Without interference he
will do just that.
A baby comes into the world
totally dependent on adults to survive. The power that a parent possesses from
the time of a child’s birth is profound. When a woman gets pregnant, there is
no way she can possibly fathom the impact her parenting choices will make on
her child’s life. Is she already putting her child onto a society-built
pedestal that must crumble before the child can become independent? Does she
see her child as a polite honor student that always does as he is told? Has she come to the mistaken conclusion that
a polite and docile child is proof that she is a good mother? Has this
conclusion been formed by blindly accepting what others around her have said
about the children who are unwilling to “behave?”
Or does she not form
conclusions about how her child will fit into society? Is it conceivable that
she would want her future child to be strong, independent and a nonconformist?
If she sees her child as someone who might make an enormous contribution to
society, does she have the vaguest clue about what to do to insure his ability
to do this? If she finds out that giving her child the best childhood he could
possibly have will go against all the parenting rules she has ever heard, will
she have the courage to go through with it? Can she stand up to others for the
sake of her child’s welfare? Will her child come first, or will she break down
and follow along like a “good” parent?
If you are an average
citizen, you are unaware of the reality of today’s society and you might not
realize that being a “good” parent is one of the most oppressive things you can
do to your child. It’s highly unlikely that anyone cares about your child as an
individual. Oh, they will say they care. They will pat him on the back when he
brings home a good report card. They will praise him when he says “yes ma’am”
and “no ma’am.” But will it ever occur to them that these pats of praise are
patronizing him in hopes that he will continue following the straight and
narrow path of docility? They are congratulating your child on being the type
of child that is more of a convenience for his parents. They are encouraging
him to “make his parents proud.” Would they praise him if he understood all of
the inner workings of an airplane engine but flunked arithmetic?
Would the F on his report
card be more important than his knowledge and enthusiasm over something he
chose to learn about? Would he be told that knowing how to build an engine
would not get him a diploma and be discouraged and ridiculed every time he
excitedly mentioned his latest discovery about jet fuels? Would these same
people think it was incredible for him to originate an idea that would make
faster and safer planes only after he made good grades in school? They do not
care about your child. They only care that he fits in to society and does not
embarrass them in front of others. Their values are superficial and more
harmful than most people can mentally grasp.
So what does a newly
conscientious parent do? First of all, read books about unschooling
and natural learning. There is a list in the back of this book. Commit your
life to your child or children with no regard to parenting rules that are
archaic and detrimental to the family. Forget about looking for a “good”
traditional school. There are none. Any institution that gives higher value to
discipline and grades is going to be harmful to your child. Realize that by
deciding to have a child, you must do what is in the best interest of that
child. But don’t see your parental role as one of self-sacrifice and bondage.
Embrace parenthood and see it as a choice that you made. Take fifteen to twenty
years to see the world through the eyes of your child and learn more than you
ever thought possible. Lose the power trip mentality and be friends. There is
no career promotion that can come close to the camaraderie between you and your
child when your child knows that you truly trust and respect him.
How can you become a
trusting and respectful parent? By letting go of the
traditional authoritative rules that are being lauded as the best way to raise
a child. Think about why you are enforcing a rule. Is it to keep your
child on a certain path that you manipulate with demands and expectations? Is
it so that your living room stays neat and orderly with no sign of being
lived-in? Or is the rule enforced simply because it’s a rule your parents had
when raising you? Unless the rule is for personal safety of your child and/or
another person, then the rule should be forgotten. Even those rules need to be
thoroughly examined to make sure you are not being overprotective. See your
child as an individual instead of a small person who is incapable of making a decision.
Realize that your child was not born in order to fulfill your
need to “own” a perfect example of a human.
If you erase the boundaries
associated with traditional parenting your child will mature much quicker. If
he is never treated as less important than the adults and never put into a
school situation, the learning process that began at birth will continue
steadfastly throughout his entire life. He won’t have to lose a minimum of
twelve years of his life trying to figure out what everyone else expects of
him. Instead he will be busy striving to become the person he was naturally
intended to be. He won’t waste time memorizing facts and at times untruths, so
that he can pass a test on topics that have no interest to him whatsoever. It
doesn’t matter where his interests lie. It’s not your right to determine his
life’s work. He will figure out what he wants to do with his life in his own
due time. He will push harder, reach farther and be more dedicated to his
choice of study.
You cannot stop him from
being the person he wants to be. You might succeed in postponing his triumph by
putting many obstacles and hurdles in his path, but eventually he will arrive
at his chosen destination. What a tragedy it would be if you succeeded in
guilt-tripping your child into becoming a surgeon when he wanted to be an
architect. Even if he managed to hide his discontent and resentment of your
manipulations, the truth would come out. He would remain a surgeon and know all
of his adult life that he was not doing what he wanted to do or he would find a
way to become an architect. Wouldn’t it have been much simpler for both of you
if you had just supported him to go in whatever direction he chose to go?
That support begins at
birth. It’s doubtful that an infant knows his future profession, but allowing
him to make decisions about his feeding times, sleeping times and when he’s
held are ways in which you can help him become independent. When he gets a
little older and wants to wear his rubber boots to a funeral you have another
chance at letting him shape his own identity. Would that be a difficult thing
for you to allow? If you said “Yes” then ask yourself “Why?” Would it be
difficult because of the embarrassment you would feel because your child is the
only one there not wearing “appropriate” clothing? Are you more concerned about
what other people think of you than you are about your own child’s feelings?
Look deeper at situations like this. Don’t see it as your child being defiant
and weird. See him as a strong person separate from you and your opinions of
proper attire. See him as an individual making his own choice about what he
wears. What about the woman who is looking distastefully at your son’s boots?
Is her opinion more important than your son’s? Why should she have any
influence over how your child dresses? Why should anyone? Believe me, it’s
easier to smile and be proud of your decision to raise an emotionally healthy
child. And if it rains at the cemetery, your son will be the only person with
the right footwear.
There are many instances
every day like the one described above that give you the chance to let go and
allow your child the freedom to grow strong, independent and self-confident.
Will the rubber boots matter ten years from now? If your child wearing rubber
boots to a funeral has any bearing on his success in life, it will be a
positive one. He will know all of his life that his mother and/or father
trusted him to make his own decisions in every circumstance. He’ll most likely
even ask for your honest opinion about his choices in life. Isn’t this worth
far more than the price of a little embarrassment at a long-forgotten funeral?
There is so much irony
involved in the two types of parenting. The authoritative parent wants a
well-mannered child who does what he’s told, makes good grades in class and
never gets into trouble. He wants his child to submit to authority while
standing up against peers who would get him into trouble. He wants his child to
make good grades, be a team leader in sports and conduct himself respectfully.
To be certain that his child follows the course that’s been laid out for him, he sets guidelines, makes rules and enforces them with
stern looks, threats and/or spankings. He believes that if he is strict enough,
his child will “turn out well.” The expected results are seldom achieved. Often
when it appears that the results are favorable, it is only an illusion
painstakingly created by the child and/or the parent. Herein lies
the irony.
If the parent relinquishes
authority over the child and allows him to grow naturally, he is more likely to
“turn out well” than if he was coerced. Not only will the outcome be positive,
but it will surpass the majority. The child who has led his own learning
possesses a holistic perspective on life. He is well mannered but has no qualms
about standing up for what he believes. As a rule he is well read in his chosen
field, non-judgmental, confident, has morals and is not introverted. He will
not go along with the crowd unless he has determined that the crowd is moving
in the right direction. His success might tempt you to say how proud you are of
him, but all you should be proud of is stepping back and letting him grow. He
has very few, if any, hangups to overcome because you
succeeded in removing unnecessary obstacles from his life.
I am not an authority on
parenting or unschooling. I do not have a college
degree that shows the world my level of education. I do have a twenty-three year
old daughter, Laurie, whom I unschooled all of her life. I wrote this book to
help others make the decision to keep their child out of the school system and
away from the unnecessary control over their child’s life. In a home where the
adults are not the absolute authority, life is less stressful and more fun for
everyone. The children aren’t breaking rules because there are none. No one is
seeing to it that orders have been obeyed and doling out punishments. A clock
or the amount of homework does not control life. Since the parents are not
constantly overseeing the behavior of their children, they now have the time to
pursue their own interests. The catch-22 here is that their children are so
enjoyable to be around, that they want to be with them. When other parents are
searching for ways to get away from their children for a few hours, you will be
making plans to do things that include them.
I hope my book helps you
take that step that will better your life in more ways than you can imagine. I
wish all parents would create an atmosphere conducive to being friends with
their children. Rebellious would become a term that no longer applied to
teenagers. Prisons would have empty cells and therapist would not be a
household word. Children would grow up and leave home and have no apprehension
about coming home to visit. Young adults would know what they want and work
towards that goal with courage. Does this sound like something from a work of
Science Fiction? It’s not. It’s easily attained with the adjustment of parental
attitudes.